Tuesday, July 10, 2012

writer's block

it's been a few weeks since i've posted here or on my personal blog and, to tell you the truth, i haven't written much of anything in those weeks.

not that i haven't been productive. i've gotten so much reading done, it's amazing. but that's only one part of my project. reading from the large pool of classical essayists has been delightful and instructive, but at the same time, i wonder if it's all the reading i've done that has stopped my writing––in more than one way. the time that i've spent reading has, of course, taken away from time that i could have been writing, true. but on top of that, it seems like the more i read, the less i am confident in my ability as a writer. sometimes the little voice of self-doubt comes as i'm reading robert louis stevenson or alexander smith or charles lamb or whoever, making myself wonder if i could ever presume to write when so much wonderful literature has already been written. also, i doubt my ability to create anything that comes close to the quality of literature i've been reading.

and of course, self-doubt is the archenemy of creativity. so i'm stuck in a rut, yes. every time i think of an idea, i try to put it down to paper or sort it out further in my mind, and end up disregarding it as rubbish. i really should just set aside the drama and just write, for heaven's sake, but that's easier said than done. so i continue reading.

i also wonder if part of the reason why i'm struggling to write is that i miss being around people who love and are passionate about writing. my first year as a master's student has spoiled me, i guess, because i've been around so many people who share many of the same doubts and ambitions as i do. we created a great little support network, trying to get through our first years, and i'm looking forward to returning to that network. because, truth be told, i'm not sure i'm ready to work and be productive as a writer without a similar support network of people who encourage me and know what i'm going through because they themselves are on the same path. i miss writing for an audience, i think, and knowing that my peers will look at my work with a critical eye, telling me what i can improve while encouraging me by complimenting my successes. and i do miss people who love essays as much as i do, who understand why i'm doing what i'm doing instead of merely putting up with my enthusiasm. although i'm a person who enjoys alone time, i think i'm the type of person who needs to share my passions and excitements with other people, people who will sit and glory with me in the beauty of a perfect sentence, or at least listen attentively when i tell them about it. i'm a passionate person––i am positively in love with so much of what's around me. i love being able to see van gogh's sunflowers in the national gallery, love seeing a play in shakespeare's globe, love all the massive bookstores in london, love the food and the parks and i'll even put up with the rain to enjoy all of that. but that enthusiasm can be dampened when it's only laughed at or patronized. it's those times when i really do miss my family and miss my friends back home, because i know they'd be as enthusiastic about these things as i am. i haven't been affected by much homesickness, probably because i've spent enough time away from home that i know distance doesn't affect that my family loves me and i love my family. but i do miss their enthusiasm.

i might need to change myself a bit, and develop the ability to be creative and productive without validation. i read an alexander smith essay the other day that he wrote on christmas, a christmas he was alone for. i've never been completely alone for christmas, and it breaks my heart to think about him sitting by a fire on christmas eve alone––but what really impressed me was that his essay wasn't depressed or overly melancholy. it had twinges of melancholy, yes, but overall was reflective and celebratory and beautiful, and i have to ask myself, would i be brave enough to write beautifully when there wasn't anyone around me to validate my efforts? because i know that, in the end, i have to write because i love it, and not because i want to please other people. i should write with an audience in mind, as i tell my students, but if i write only to please other people, i'll likely lose why i loved it in the first place. if i'm ever to be a writer, i know that i will have to steel myself against disappointment, and hope and pray for the determination and confidence to work hard in the face of rejection and apathy. and i have to work not to lose enthusiasm for the things i love even if they're not shared by people around me.

so there's a bit of writing. i'm not completely lost after all.